Our Kids Will Always Need Therapy. And It’s Okay.

My stern great-grandmother came from Copenhagen around 1890 and married a stern Welsh potato farmer in Northern Maine.  Katinka assimilated totally; they spoke no Danish, celebrated no Danish holidays, ate no Danish foods.  Children were to be seen and not heard.  My potato farmer grandfather Percival (her son), was equally stern.

He mostly repeated the family pattern, and almost finished his job doing so before big cultural changes came.  His children were born at the end of World War II and were young adults in the 60s.  The peaceniks and free love revolution didn’t quite infiltrate rural Northern Maine.  Percy’s kids (my dad and uncles) had farm exemptions from service in Viet Nam; they worked HARD.  They planted, tended, and picked potatoes. They may not have worn beads and protested, but they played HARD. They rigged their cars’ windshield washers to dispense moonshine into their glove boxes and started families earlier than planned.  Ahem.

They really failed at being seen and not heard. Gloriously.  Their kids, my cousins and I, were not expected to be seen and not heard.  We went on family camping trips and had big raucous Thanksgivings.  But still, we were not invited to speak. I’ve had to learn, as a person, to speak up — and unlearn, as a parent, speaki17105275_10156068423693916_1637972395_nng for or over my kids.

Big cultural changes happen quickly now, generation after generation.  Baby boomers, peaceniks, yuppies, gen Xers, generation Y, millenials — technology, gender roles, economic opportunities, the changing shape of the family.

What we learned about parenting, from our parents, is dated.  Historical trends in parenting have changed quickly, and in the last decades they have multiplied, too.  There’s not just Doctor Spock followed by Dr. Sears.  There’s permissive, free range, attachment, mindful, and authoritarian parenting.  And there’s more: religious (conservative or reform?), Adlerian, gender-neutral, tiger moms, geek dads… you see.

Best practices seem to change with the release of each new study.  New digital technologies mean we fly by the seats of our pants.  There’s no way a parent can stay ahead of it all.

But one thing remains steady — when kids, teens, and young adults misbehave, parents are first in the line of blame — l17101738_10156067620438916_1980051568_n.jpgike we operate in a vacuum.  The stakes feel high, and they are. Parents, kids, schools, and the culture at large see parents as responsible for their children’s behavior.

We simply cannot do it “right.” With high stakes, shifting criteria, changing terrain (new technologies, family shape), how could we?  How can we do those “best practices” about to be announced?  I always joked that my kids will need therapy because the standards of parenting change every decade.

But it’s true.

So when we need to course-correct in the funnerfamily, we get an outside contractor  —  a professional to survey the situation, advise, and help make new supports.   Honestly, sometimes we are late to the game.  Like we should have called in a pro six months ago!  haha.  But better late than never.

Often when I tell someone we are seeing a therapist, they respond with pity or sadness or some version of “this too shall pass.”  I think that’s the wrong attitude, frankly.  “The family” and its day to day decision making, traditions, and comforts, just doesn’t move at the same speed, or with the same agenda, as “the culture” with its press toward novelty and innovation.  Bridging the gap requires outside resources!  Haha…

My kids need an orthodontist, I’m not going to even think about doing THAT myself.  I don’t want to be in charge of EVERYTHING!  Our kids need experts.  I’d like to see our kids  invited to speak, and I for one need someone to paint some lines on the road so that I can stay in between “seen and not heard” and “the kids are in charge.”  We will always need professionals — they help me invite my kids to speak.  Our kids will always need therapy… and it’s okay.

I would love to hear about something you wish you had learned earlier, or could unlearn.  Or that your parents had unlearned.  Comment here, and let’s move forward together.  ❤

Holding space for our kids in anxious times.

I’ve written here before about the onus of healthy eating falling to moms.  About moms feeling guilty.  As things shift in larger culture, moms are telling me that they feel more “on the hook” than ever, and I feel it too.

Our grown up anxieties are spilling over onto our kids, and these days I don’t know how we’d ever completely exempt them from adult worries.  Instead:  twitter-128 I urge us to get our coping skills in place; feeling the feelings and making space for our kids to do the same.

I was on Facebook live recently, talking about holding space for our kids and I’d love you to check it out here.

Please don’t get distracted by the water I splashed on my shirt.  Snort.  #LetMomOffTheHook

 

My background is in cultural studies and women’s studies, and I have spent a lifetime tending to women’s changing roles in culture.  Join me as I focus in on helping moms, particularly us moms of sensory kids. Come on over to Funnermother on Facebook and follow along.

How are you holding up?

If I had a nickel for every time I typed that this week, we’d be living large on the craggy coast of Maine.  But seriously, how ARE you holding up?

If you’re reading this, you probably have kids.  Are they okay?  I posted some scripts for responding to the US election on my Funnermother Facebook page, groupe

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d by age.  Here they are.  I wish I could thank the author, but I don’t know who it is.

Some developmentally-sensitive scripts (just suggestions):
0-5 years old: “Grown ups are so silly! Can you believe that a lot of grown-ups voted for a meanie? I know, those grown-ups are so silly! We’ll vote for someone better next time. Now let’s play outside…”

6-10 years old: “I am so sad and disappointed. I really wanted this to be different. We have a LOT of work to do now! There are lots of ways that our family, community, and our friends are going to protect each other and work together to make sure that we have a kind and fair leader of our country in the future. Let me tell you about some of the things we can do….”

11-13 years old: “This is not the first horrible thing that has happened in the United States (refer to the history) and it won’t be the last, but for every horrible thing that has happened, there has

also been a group of people committed to fighting against it. Have you heard the word “revolution”? That’s when people know that so many things are wrong and that the only way to fix them is to change them completely. Let’s think about some of the things we could do to make a revolution happen in the United States….”

14+: “Let’s look at the exit poll statistics closely so we can see which groups of people voted for Trump”. Review BLM platform and demands. Review INCITE! vision statement. Make a family vision statement that includes social justice commitments. Mark organizing dates on family calendar.

I am in a lot of “ladies” groups, and I am heartened at how strong and hard we are responding to a power shift that scares us, as I am also saddened by reports of bullying, racial slurs, and sleepless nights over disabled kids losing their health care.

I am here for you.  Please don’t suffer alone.  Reach out and we can commiserate and I will pass along any and all resources that I have.  And know that I love you.

News-Free Parenting

The best gift I’ve given myself is a news blackout. Yes, this is in opposition to my politics of love…those desires for inclusion, problem-solving, healthcare, respect… you know the ones. They are usually entwined with activism of all sorts.  But a news blackout means I sleep better.

representations of parenting

News-free parenting – Funnermother.com

I heard Jimmy Carter on the radio, talking about national news coverage.  During his presidency, news was a national evening event, covering national and international politics.  With the advent of 24-hour news on multiple stations, “news” changed dramatically. Carter pointed out that with the pressures of so much programming, all of the stories covered are elevated to headline status to hook a wide array of viewers day and night.  Weather events, ongoing legal battles, celebrity dramas…. Katrina, Zimmerman, Michael Jackson.  Notice that they have their own logos specific to the story, perhaps their own intro music, often a designated reporter.  Parenting issues are also part of news coverage: family tragedies, drug-resistant illnesses old and new, predators, bad parenting, dangerous trends, the latest drug craze, celebrity teens acting out, this year’s must-have gifts… it seems endless.  Engulfing.

Play

News-Free Parenting – Funnermother.com

All-headlines news coverage seems to be asking us for two things: first judgement, where we side with Miley Cyrus or against her.  With Jon-Benet’s parents or against them.  Second, fear, where we self-screen our kids for autism, keep them out of the dirt, or fight so they can have the last Cabbage Patch doll in town.

For a high strung gal like me, it’s a recipe for militance.  Continue playing in the dirt with a scraped knee?  Playdates with school friends I barely know?  Walk to the wooded park with the older neighbor kid? The news is on in my head all. the. damned. time.  Wait.  It WAS.  Getting in touch with my inner helicopter pilot means extricating my voice from Dan Rather’s, Diane Sawyer’s, and especially Dr. Phil’s.

I listen to headlines on PBS or BBC, and that is all I need for now.  Spend three days without news and tell me what you think.  Do you find it easier to focus?  Are you more likely to break out in song?  Do you suddenly want to go outside with the kids and… play?